Fo Sho

I must confess a dirty little secret.
I adore cheesy t.v
I force the husband to watch hours and hours of CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Bones, any forensic-ey/ crime busting type shtuff.
My client and I were talking about this the other day, and I said "If I wasn't making people beautiful every day, I'd totally be a criminal forensic scientist or an investigator/p.i."
fo sho.
She thought I'd lost it, and started laughing hysterically. I had to inform her that I was a hairstylist by choice, not by default.... I was actually valedictorian in college.
And that is where I learned "Fo Sho" lol....
When I hear those cheesy lines that Horatio says on CSI Miami, I get all warm and excited on the inside because I know his cheesy one-liners lead to some unexpected crime stoppin, booty kickin, more cheesy one-liners...
Sometimes I think they could have done such a better job casting his role, but secretly would be sad, now, if he was taken off the show. We're emotionally attached.
ha.

My down day.....

Well... I am very down today.
I woke up this way.
Small combination of life issues+client issues yesterday= my lacking desire to go to work or do much of anything but sleep.
When I am feeling down, I just completely shut down. I don't even want to leave the house. I have the inability to snap myself out of a funk when I feel it.
Yesterday, I was completely offended by a client. 9 times out of 10, I don't get offended at my job, because what I do for a living involves people, and how they feel about themselves, and that is a huge weight to carry.... I ask them to be honest, I need constructive criticism, how else do I get better? Then I brace myself for impact. With that said, whether my clients are being honest or not, they almost always love what I do. Its good that they do because I am an artist, a sculptor.. I create beauty out of havoc, and give confidence where it was lacking. I try to brighten days, inject my positive attitude into negative energy and hope that it flourishes... I desire and hope I create beauty, make people feel better. One person at a time, I feel like I am changing the world. That is how I truly feel....
So as of late I have been slammed by one situation. I had a... person who had become a best friend, confidant, mentor, who was already a client... who completely broke my heart. She single-handedly offended me, was mean to me, broke my heart, and made me question the very person she was by her disrespect and lack of honor for our relationship. This made me think... I shouldn't be friend with my clients.
Then.... another situation where a client who I had become friends with, just up and left and started getting her hair done by someone else, didn't tell me, and lo and behold the fabulous (horrible) facebook shows me that her hair is a different color... and thus I deduce, she has stopped coming to me.... yesterday, in fact, I got an e-mail finally telling me that she couldn't afford me anymore... I understand THAT, and that takes guts to tell me... that took honor. But it still hurt for those two weeks that she didn't tell me...
And then yesterday, it was complete and total frustration, and its all of these things are impacting me so much that it makes me question my desire to be in this industry... or maybe my desire to be as invested in this industry as I am. My heart is there, and I think I need to take it back...

I think I am just so frustrated. I was born to do this. I see beauty in the mess. I see people and see a work of art. If I tweak this, cut that, tweeze here, color there... you will look like a different person. When people sit down in my chair they are frustrated, distraught, lost, broken, bored, exhausted. When people stand up from my chair I feel like I have left them a little more beautiful, confident, and peaceful. I love that. I love to do that. I was born to do this. I am the expert... and sometimes I want to look at my clients and say "This is what you are getting today, reguardless of your opinion, because this is what I do, this is what you need, and this is how you will look best." And btw... I'm going to charge you what I'm worth, not what my salon deems I'm worth, or what your coupon budget determines. I have worked my ass off to get here and I know I deserve better than that attitude.
Hm..
Apparently today I don't have an ounce of empathy. Sometimes this calling sucks the life right out of you....
And it is a fight to find the balance in it all and take it back.

Talking to you makes me want to punch myself in the eyeball....

Before I begin this I must start it with a vent, so I can get it off my chest....

Dear Super Cheap and tacky, I don't really even like you "friend"-
You cannot bargain the value of what I do. I make you, despite the mean-ness in your heart, look beautiful. You are the type of person that always seems to forget "cash for a tip..." or rounds things down... You lie to make yourself look better, and some how I always allow you to make me feel like an idiot in the process. I am not comfortable in my own skin, this is true, so I know I allow you to make me feel certain ways and I could stop it just the same...even still... I do not feel the need to go on about the great things about me. You, however, feel the need to inform me of every possible achievement you ever had, every compliment you ever received, every good thing that has ever happened.... I'm sure there is some huge psychological reason as to why you feel the need to make sure I understand how wonderful and perfect your life/ boyfriend/ job/ car/ etc are... and none of that would matter to me, except for the fact that you truly degrade me in the process.... I have finally cut you off, and I feel like I can breathe again...


I think that is sufficient for this post. I will write a new post for my ORIGINAL intention for the night....

I officially lost it.

I called out sick from work today.
I am not sick.
I am just thoroughly fed up with life.
...............................................................

I am sitting here.... and listening to an old c.d. There is a story as per why....I flipped out. Literally. I sat down and wrote out all of my credit card debt... and almost vomitted. I have been following a ... ok.... I have been loosly following a financial guru and now I am in the most non-eloquent of ways going to say my financial standing.
I am flat ass broke.
End of story. I, who have been egotistical in my financial leaps and bounds. Miss High and Mighty, "Oh have you heard of..." because "I follow him.." (in my head, I say this in a British accent because it sounds more arrogant....) Yeah.... I follow him EXCEPT when I feel like I need to go buy a $200 purse... whats another $200 on my credit card... I can certainly pay that off in no time, and in fact, I will direct all my extra cash to that until its paid of... *ahem*.... plus a years worth of interest, and more purchases that I absolutely needed ....And multiply that by 12 credit cards (yes.. really...12 credit cards) and a new car, and a school loan and here I am...
Flast ass broke.

After 2 days of depression, I called out sick from work, because that makes ABSOLUTE sense... but in my head it does, because I needed a break. I have been tremendously slow for the last 3 weeks, but when my clients ask..... "Oh, I'm slammed! I have a waiting list!" Which has always been true.... until 3 weeks ago. Maybe everyone else is flat ass broke too? I am sick of caring for today....
So... Thus comes my flip out. My living room is a complete disaster... why? Because I am selling everything I am not overly attached to. I can always buy more later, right? Yes... once I am a millionaire. Time to honestly follow my financial guru who says sell everything and live on beans and rice until you pay off your debt....
So...

any takers?? Believe me.. I have amazing things to sell.... please tell me someone has seen that movie with Brittany Murphy... uptown girl I think....
yes. I am UpTown Girl. With a serious spending problem.... and more debt to show.

It has always been you.

i have traveled this path away from all i have known for a long time...
a little lost...
a lot running...
i still see YOU in everything.. I just choose to ignore you most of the time.
I know you called me from the womb...
but that call was too much to carry...

but at the end of my day I hear you whisper in my ear.
and at the end of my day its still you.. i know.. just one more day.

I am (not) PERFECT...

I am a rambling, broken mess of a person sometimes. I have this horrible addiction. I am not sure how to break it. I am obsessed... addicted to... crave... love.... breathe.... pine after.... lust for... the compliments of my clients. It is such a horrible addiction. I do hair every day, all day, and I have a very faithful group of clients who love me... and I get told every day "You are so amazing, like usual!" "You are the first stylist who has ever cut my hair right!" "You are so fabulous at styling!" "I LOVE my color!" "You work miracles!" see... i get a high just rewriting these things, knowing they are true. Its ridiculous... but what actually happens is, I become a slave to these compliments. I become a slave to these clients. If they don't fuss over their hair, then I go through their entire service, detail by detail, until my brain nods off into blissfully peaceful sleep. I become horribly attached to my clients as well. I woke up this morning with a migraine. I used to get them all the time, until I did the Master Cleanse, and now I will get them, maybe ever 6 weeks, or so? Anyway.. I woke up with a migraine, and I checked my books to see who I would have to cancel on today. I felt horribly guilty for the first 2 hours after I called out from work. How ridiculous? I WAS SICK. End of story. But, for me... I just felt like I had let someone down, like this ridiculous characteristic (that showed up about... 7 years ago *long story* ) of perfectionism had overwhelmed me for 2 miserable, dark, and suffocating hours. I kept checking my books to see who had rescheduled. HELLO?!?! I was SICK! But... this need to please everyone in my life, it overwhelms me. Sometimes I think I need to see a shrink.
lol.
My dog does not suffice in my desire for guidance....

so what do i do now? how do i dig myself out of this hole i have dug for 7 years? how do i stop being a slave to my addiction ... how do i stop being a slave to pleasing my clients/mother/husband/friends/random strangers....?! I have no idea.... What I do think, however... is I have secretly medicated it for 7 years... with.. Brownies. Ice Cream. Popcorn. Coke(as in soda). McDonald's. M&M's. Sweet Tea. French Fries. Chips. and etc., etc.................... and.. I am 40 lbs heavier for it.
boo.

COMCAST=STUPID

i am pissed and frustrated and thus this entire blog will be full of no capitals.
i freaking hate comcast.
true story. i am pretty sure complete idiots started that stupid company and they can't manage to do a damn thing but piss people off.
here i am... 2 hours later.. still talking to someone about making my RIDICULOUS cable work that just worked 2 hours ago.. and then magically turned off.
if i could... i would most certainly slap the person i am speaking with at THIS. VERY. MOMENT.
ok, i lied... there were a few capitals.
why have they made me so angry? because they are idiots, and i am not.